Do I want it or just the idea of it?

I had a conversation with a dear friend about relationships awhile back, and this paraphrased quote of the conversation stuck with me, "Do I really want a relationship or just the idea of it, because of what I'm being inundated with on a daily basis?" So much so, that I often ask myself this, when it comes to any noun. For those in the back, a noun = a person, place, thing or idea.

Now that we've defined a noun, I'd like to travel through various scenarios from a young grasshopper to now. Pull up an imaginative chair, grab a cup of tea or beverage of choice, and sit down with me. 

Dancing machine + jukebox, that was me. You couldn't tell me that, 

"I said Lil' Bow Wow you just don't know 

The way you move so fast across the floor 

I mean you run through my mind like all the time" 

I wasn't saying that verse to Lil' Bow Wow. You couldn't convince me that we weren't gonna meet and get married. Romeo was cool too, but Bow Wow. Bow Wow was my imaginative husband. I can't say the same about him now lol.

It's crazy that you don't necessarily have to have conversations with children, that they just formulate their own ideals about relationships and family, based upon the information they've processed thus far + innate ways God has biologically wires us. From playing house with barbie or ken dolls, tending to cabbage patch kids and everything in-between. 

I was very mean to little boys who had crushes on me. If you're reading this and I was mean to you, I apologize. I was just fearful, cause I didn't want to get in trouble! You weren't ugly. I may have even thought you were cute, but couldn't admit it because of fear of man. 

Middle school, I called this guy who liked me a pervert, because I missed a day of school and when I returned the next day he said that I was in his bed, that's why I missed school to a group of our classmates. That hurt his feeling, but if you're reading this, you know it's true lol. Later he admitted to liking me. You remember those Facebook and Myspace posts that were like, "like this post and I'll message you a secret." Him liking me was his secret. He's married now with kids. Happy for him!

Middle school was an odd, awkward time. My body's drastic metamorphosis, hormones that made me very temperamental and sensitive, and lots of life transitions in general. It's also when I really began to notice boys. Having crushes felt awkward. I had transitioned from private school to public school during my 8th grade year, so everything seemed amplified, abrupt and rapidly moving. 

                                        Courtesy of knowyourmeme.com

This was my face to just about everything. Kids making out and feeling each other up. The potty behind mouths, sex conversations, etc., Don't get me wrong, the same thing happens in private schools, but a bit more covert. It was just there in your face in public school.

I had a few crushes, but I doubt they knew. My idea of flirting for the longest were random glances and intense eye contact. Minimal to no physical touch nor verbal cues. High School, flirting was a little better, but Freshman year of college was its peak. 

It was also when the Lord convicted me most, and my struggle with pornography was at its peak. I worked at a fast casual restaurant during this time, too. If you have a daughter and she wants to work, only allow her to work retail or something, no food related jobs. You'll thank me later. It's ironic, because the kitchen is 'domestic' and woman dominated, right? Wrong. Peak in the back of any fast food or sit down restaurant and you'll see a bunch of men. 👀

I have too many stories that happened under 2 years. I had to check some people. I didn't feel protected as a Black women when it came to most of the customers and half of my male coworkers. I'd been objectified prior to this, but it was on another level at this job. I'll take responsibility for leading people on. I would smile a bit more or build playful banter for a larger tip. I'd flirt with coworkers or customers to feed my own ego and garner attention, because I liked how it made me feel. I didn't have any regard for the other person. I led them on knowing it wasn't going to go anywhere. I immaturely and prematurely awakened their interest in me, but I only treated them as objects of my vain affection. 

When the Lord convicted me of this, it was a stab in the chest and a slap in the face. As fleeting as those moments were, they were NOT just moments. It was me not having any regard for the other party. Not treating them as someone who was created in the likeness of God. A human, that has emotions too. To that, I had genuine remorse over my sin and I stopped flirting with men I had no interest in. Thank God for conviction that leads to immediate correction of behavior. That's repentance in action. The immediate 180 degree turn, that leads to your back facing your sin and your face, facing God. I'll admit, that sometimes the flesh supersedes the Spirit and repentance isn't the first response, but that's sanctification, right? Learning and growing overtime.

"I didn't have any regard for the other person. I led them on knowing it wasn't going to go anywhere. I immaturely and prematurely awakened their interest in me, but I only treated them as objects of my vain affection."

Shania, what does this have to do with relationships? Bare with me. I'm broaching the subject now. 

I know, I know, "But Shania, weren't you just talking about how you were content on if you were or weren't single??!"

Yep, that was me. Still is, but I'm more open to a relationship now than before. More often than not, when I entertained it, it was simply out of boredom, comparison, loneliness, lust woes and all of the normal reasons why humans consider a relationship. This time around, I can truthfully say that none of the reasons above are why I'm open to a committed relationship i.e., marriage. 

Well, what made you jump ship and come to this conclusion? An accumulation of multiple experiences, that I believe were tests from the Lord. Equally, I believe that the Lord used them all to encourage me to stay the course  It all helped me better define what I'm desiring out of a man. That I should stand firm in my convictions and not waiver. What it actually looks like to be pursued. My commitment to not allow anyone to waste my time and vice-versa. It made me desire a godly marriage that much more. 

I no longer want the idea of marriage, I actually want it. Like my previous article, I'm still chilling until then. I'm just not as closed off. The Lord be out here cleansing hearts, saving souls and changing desires. Here's to not fighting the Lord, but allowing the Father to do His workings in us. 

All the Love,

Shania M. ♡